I've been generally unhappy for awhile now. This job is killing me, but I'm slowly getting used to it. I can see many good things about my life right now, but I still don't have any kind of assurance that what I'm doing is the right thing. I think I was happier without any friends, it allowed me to just be completely self-absorbed and not have to worry about anyone else.
I just made friends with this super chill 30 something chick. She and I seem to think alike, which is rare to say the least. I spent the night at her house this past weekend and had the best time I've had in a very long time. The following day I missed my bus back home and had to spend another night downtown. Ended up spending it with another friend who lets pretty much anyone sleep on his couch. I had a place to stay, but damn it was gross.
I don't why I bring any of this up. I don't know why I don't blog more often. I need to lose some of this fucking stress. I feel like my mind is being suppressed and I'm turning into a robot. I need to cry, and to have someone tell me it's all going to be all right. This is not how I want to live my life. I feel like I'm missing out on all the great things in life and my mind and body are going south already. I'm 20 and I already feel dumber and weaker than I did at 18. I feel really scared that I'm going to be working a dead end job for 30 years, living alone, after which time the smoking and drinking eventually catch up to me and kill me.
I need someone with whom I can confide in. I have a few friends who will lend a sympathetic ear, but I need someone I can come home to every night and just forget about all the bullshit in the world with for a few hours.
I think I may just be love-starved and too used to it to realize the full impact. I get jealous over people for completely stupid reasons.
I keep telling myself things will get better, but then they never do.
I keep telling everybody my life is amazing in vain hope that if I say it enough times I will believe it.
The truth is I'm dying inside. I have a large amount of time left before I die, but no one to share it with.
Everything I own is shitty and broken too. Never enough time or funds to fix them.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
worried
I need to fucking vent. I just started a full time job with West (call center for AT&T), so far I'm only in training, but the schedule is killing me. At 40 hours/week it's the most I've ever worked in my life. I had to drop out of school this semester to accommodate the hours. What I'm most worried about is having no time for my hobbies. I play guitar and video games, and these activites used to take up a majority of my time. I though when I got off work that I would have plenty of time to pursue these hobbies of mine, but as it turns out, it's not enough time. When I get off work at 2:00, I get home at 3pm and just end up watching tv and eating until about 8pm when I crash again because I need to get up at 4am for work. Right now it's sunday, and my weekend just flew by. I went to the park and played guitar for an hour and it sort of restored by faith in life, but not a whole lot. Basically what I'm hunkering down for is 3-4 years of having no time to obsess over my hobbies; like guitar, retro gaming, computer gaming, and messing with computers. I figure when I have my degree that my hours in my job with decrease, as well as my school hours being nonexistent, so it's the right path to take. I would rather have a promising future and a 3-4 year gap in my life that's just "werk, skool, werk, skool, werk, skool" than have no future at all. Is this the sacrifice that successful people make? Shit, I would rather just be an unemployed hippie my entire life if this what I have to do to make it in this world. I'm gonna die at age 70 anyway, 3-4 years of my 20's is valuable to me, but if it means another 50 years of having plenty of money then I can see the value in sacrificing part of my better years to school and work.
I had a dream that all my guitar strings broke and they whipped me in the eyes, I wonder what it means?
I had a dream that all my guitar strings broke and they whipped me in the eyes, I wonder what it means?
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Tears of Joy
I feel enlightened. After you conquer your fear of death and realize the meaning of life (none), you are free to enjoy life to the fullest. I plan to start researching Zen Buddhism, and expand my knowledge of Nirvana.
Depression
Life's a bitch, then you die. Having stared down the barrel of a gun thinking about how easy I could've caused my own demise, I realize that everyone's got problems. Fortunately, any physical problems I ever had, i.e. back pain, financial ruin, are easily fixable at my age. I finally broke the cycle of self-hatred and laziness and I intend to keep it that way. After I get back from this stupid trip with my dad I'm gonna put on my dress clothes, print some ten copies of my resume and just start handing them out. When I was in Vegas my boss told me that he hired me because of how resilient I was. I called back every week for a month until they hired me. At first I thought this would hurt my chances of employment, imagine my surprise when it was the opposite!
Without putting too fine a point on it, my family is depressed. I can see it in how they carry themselves, how they talk about the world, and what they say about me. Granted, I do have some form of an ASD, and social awareness and empathy are serious problems for me, but I'm no fool. If my family needs someone to lash out on, to take some of their stress away, then I can swallow my tongue and ignore it, while helping them feel better. When I was depressed and dealing with an inferiority complex, these types of barbs would ruin my day, week, or even month depending on how direct they were. I failed to see that by letting them get to me, I was hurting those around me by not contributing and bringing the overall mood down around myself. I am really looking forward to the future, I can see great things coming from me!
I think a lot of this is as a result of my Dad. My sisters need help, both financially and emotionally, and sadly only one parent is providing that to them. I don't know what his excuse his, but when he became a parent, it was his job to support his kids until they were adults and done with school. So far he has helped me with school, but I can't say the same for my younger siblings. I'll admit to not knowing the full story, there's still a lot I don't know about my own family. I sympathize with both of my parents for not picking the right mate. My dad is passive and thoughtful, and my Mom is motivated and creative. They are both very intelligent, which explains why their offspring are all smart. You can't change the past, so it's pointless to worry about it. I've always thought of my "parents" as two separate entities, and up until they finally severed their marriage, I really thought that was just how families functioned. I don't hate either of my parents, I love them both, but for different reasons. I am also willing to forgive their mistakes and flaws, after all no one's perfect. I want all of my family members to be happy again, like we were years ago, that may never happen, but I can at least work to keep them from feeling blue. I wish I had someone showing me the way, but through trial and failure, I can see my path illuminated like never before.
It's as a result of being utterly alone in this world that I have my amazing new attitude of, "Fuck You! My life is awesome and I intend to make it as good for myself as for the those around me!"
If ever I slip and feel depressed again, I will read this post and remember how I felt when writing this. I want to take psychedelics again when the opportunity is right. LSD and Psilocybin have done more for me than anybody could ever do. It's because I have communication problems, (look up Asperger's Syndrome, if you know me then it should sound like a laundry list of all my foibles.)
I would like to get a tattoo significant to myself and my lack of emotional understanding. I want to be able to look at it any time I feel stifled by my feelings and remember that life is too short to wasted dwelling on negative thoughts.
My kids are going to be amazing. I've learned a lot about childhood development through reading books and internet articles while trying to understand myself. I observed my 4 year old twin cousins for 5 months, and managed to see patterns of development in them that I remember from 15 years ago. Things like knowing the meaning of words, but not what someone said with those words. I know better than anyone that just because words are our primary form of communication, doesn't mean they are effective at communicating one's true thoughts and feelings. When I am a parents I won't take what my children say at face value, but to be direct with instructions and advice. To save the emotional support for physical gestures such as gifts, hugs, and other non-verbal gestures that are easier to interpret.
The future looks bright, and I'm so grateful that I'm here writing this :')
Without putting too fine a point on it, my family is depressed. I can see it in how they carry themselves, how they talk about the world, and what they say about me. Granted, I do have some form of an ASD, and social awareness and empathy are serious problems for me, but I'm no fool. If my family needs someone to lash out on, to take some of their stress away, then I can swallow my tongue and ignore it, while helping them feel better. When I was depressed and dealing with an inferiority complex, these types of barbs would ruin my day, week, or even month depending on how direct they were. I failed to see that by letting them get to me, I was hurting those around me by not contributing and bringing the overall mood down around myself. I am really looking forward to the future, I can see great things coming from me!
I think a lot of this is as a result of my Dad. My sisters need help, both financially and emotionally, and sadly only one parent is providing that to them. I don't know what his excuse his, but when he became a parent, it was his job to support his kids until they were adults and done with school. So far he has helped me with school, but I can't say the same for my younger siblings. I'll admit to not knowing the full story, there's still a lot I don't know about my own family. I sympathize with both of my parents for not picking the right mate. My dad is passive and thoughtful, and my Mom is motivated and creative. They are both very intelligent, which explains why their offspring are all smart. You can't change the past, so it's pointless to worry about it. I've always thought of my "parents" as two separate entities, and up until they finally severed their marriage, I really thought that was just how families functioned. I don't hate either of my parents, I love them both, but for different reasons. I am also willing to forgive their mistakes and flaws, after all no one's perfect. I want all of my family members to be happy again, like we were years ago, that may never happen, but I can at least work to keep them from feeling blue. I wish I had someone showing me the way, but through trial and failure, I can see my path illuminated like never before.
It's as a result of being utterly alone in this world that I have my amazing new attitude of, "Fuck You! My life is awesome and I intend to make it as good for myself as for the those around me!"
If ever I slip and feel depressed again, I will read this post and remember how I felt when writing this. I want to take psychedelics again when the opportunity is right. LSD and Psilocybin have done more for me than anybody could ever do. It's because I have communication problems, (look up Asperger's Syndrome, if you know me then it should sound like a laundry list of all my foibles.)
I would like to get a tattoo significant to myself and my lack of emotional understanding. I want to be able to look at it any time I feel stifled by my feelings and remember that life is too short to wasted dwelling on negative thoughts.
My kids are going to be amazing. I've learned a lot about childhood development through reading books and internet articles while trying to understand myself. I observed my 4 year old twin cousins for 5 months, and managed to see patterns of development in them that I remember from 15 years ago. Things like knowing the meaning of words, but not what someone said with those words. I know better than anyone that just because words are our primary form of communication, doesn't mean they are effective at communicating one's true thoughts and feelings. When I am a parents I won't take what my children say at face value, but to be direct with instructions and advice. To save the emotional support for physical gestures such as gifts, hugs, and other non-verbal gestures that are easier to interpret.
The future looks bright, and I'm so grateful that I'm here writing this :')
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Personal Plan
I don't think anyone is reading this blog, which is fine. I'm just using it as a journal, not to gain a following.
Right now, I am sitting in my grandparents' guest bedroom thinking about what I want to do with my life. I can't see the big picture in my mind, so writing what my plans are is a step in the right direction, and a strategic move to keep myself motivated.
I want to get my B.A. in engineering, but before that, I would like to have a Microsoft certificate. My school wasn't very clear on what classes I needed to take, or what sorts of jobs take this certificate, but since I know the credits build toward a 4 year degree, it's definitely what I want to do. I plan to have this certificate by the end of December
I'm looking for a new job in my hometown. My most recent job was in a 1 hr photo lab, and I enjoyed it for the most part. The hours were flexible, the people I worked with were very nice, and I wasn't doing the exact same thing day in and day out. Some days I worked the front register, other days I ran the photo lab, and some times I just stocked shelves. The big issue for me is transportation. Where I live with my family is on the edge of the city, and getting anywhere without a car is a pain in the butt. I ride my bike, walk, and take the bus to get around (sometimes I can bum rides). Geographical convenience is high on my list of job qualities.
I've been living with my grandparents since mid-December, and they have been really supportive and super awesome! They really taught me how to live while being productive, money savvy, and mentally stable. I am returning in 3 days.
I left for reasons I would rather not disclose (I was going off the deep end). I'm really looking forward to being back home with all my computers, friends, and family! I know they won't immediately believe that I'm happier and less mental, but I'm sure they will see it soon enough.
(Organized by priority) Among some of the things I plan to start doing upon my return are:
1) Get a job. Preferably one in a small service position or anything that doesn't make me talk to customers ALL DAY. Something with a bit of variety.
2) I need to figure out the state of my education. Throughout the last two years I have really fucked around. I lost plenty of time and progress with nothing to show for it. I could've been half done with my schooling by now, but I barely qualify as a college sophomore! I'll begin by hanging around the school's counseling department, student services, and the like, until I know beyond shadow of a doubt that I'm doing the right thing.
3) Pay the internet bill. (I'm studying to be a network manager, so this only makes sense that I would manage our home network for 4 other people)
4) Pay rent. I was unemployed for over 6 months, and never contributed a damn thing to my family. We aren't exactly wealthy, and I was too much of a financial drag. In addition to paying $??.?? per month for a decent internet connection, I also want to give between 100-200 dollars a month to my parents :)
5) Get a car. This is conditional, I only want my own vehicle if I can afford it. I don't want to drive during winter, because of the snow and ice, I would rather take the bus to be honest. I wonder if there's an insurance plan that only applies to certain months, i.e. March-September.
6) Help my parents clean the garage and consolidate things so that we can actually use that room. Among the things that bother me is my need for space. My bedroom is usually big enough to do whatever I need to do, but sometimes it's not enough. I like to have projects going without disturbing my tidy room. If the garage was half-clear instead of completely in chaos, then I could use that space to my liking (assuming no one else is).
7) Organize my stuff by getting rid of things I have no use for. Organize my desk, computers, games, books, music, pictures, etc.
I don't think it's at all shameful to live with your family into your early twenties, it's smart! Save money for the future! I plan to move out when I'm either finished with my degree, or when I can comfortably support myself while I finish. If I have another 3 years of school to do, then I can expect to live at home until I'm 22. I'm ok with this, I just hope my parents are considering what I was like prior to being sent to live with my grandparents. I think they are willing to give me a second chance, but it's not going to be as simple as just telling them that I'm ready to change, but by showing it! I vow not to become a recluse and to have a life outside of my computer screen, but also to let my family know what I'm doing. I also want to be able to take their constructive criticisms with a grain of salt. I can never really tell when someone is insulting me or complimenting me, it all sounds the same D:
Right now, I am sitting in my grandparents' guest bedroom thinking about what I want to do with my life. I can't see the big picture in my mind, so writing what my plans are is a step in the right direction, and a strategic move to keep myself motivated.
I want to get my B.A. in engineering, but before that, I would like to have a Microsoft certificate. My school wasn't very clear on what classes I needed to take, or what sorts of jobs take this certificate, but since I know the credits build toward a 4 year degree, it's definitely what I want to do. I plan to have this certificate by the end of December
I'm looking for a new job in my hometown. My most recent job was in a 1 hr photo lab, and I enjoyed it for the most part. The hours were flexible, the people I worked with were very nice, and I wasn't doing the exact same thing day in and day out. Some days I worked the front register, other days I ran the photo lab, and some times I just stocked shelves. The big issue for me is transportation. Where I live with my family is on the edge of the city, and getting anywhere without a car is a pain in the butt. I ride my bike, walk, and take the bus to get around (sometimes I can bum rides). Geographical convenience is high on my list of job qualities.
I've been living with my grandparents since mid-December, and they have been really supportive and super awesome! They really taught me how to live while being productive, money savvy, and mentally stable. I am returning in 3 days.
I left for reasons I would rather not disclose (I was going off the deep end). I'm really looking forward to being back home with all my computers, friends, and family! I know they won't immediately believe that I'm happier and less mental, but I'm sure they will see it soon enough.
(Organized by priority) Among some of the things I plan to start doing upon my return are:
1) Get a job. Preferably one in a small service position or anything that doesn't make me talk to customers ALL DAY. Something with a bit of variety.
2) I need to figure out the state of my education. Throughout the last two years I have really fucked around. I lost plenty of time and progress with nothing to show for it. I could've been half done with my schooling by now, but I barely qualify as a college sophomore! I'll begin by hanging around the school's counseling department, student services, and the like, until I know beyond shadow of a doubt that I'm doing the right thing.
3) Pay the internet bill. (I'm studying to be a network manager, so this only makes sense that I would manage our home network for 4 other people)
4) Pay rent. I was unemployed for over 6 months, and never contributed a damn thing to my family. We aren't exactly wealthy, and I was too much of a financial drag. In addition to paying $??.?? per month for a decent internet connection, I also want to give between 100-200 dollars a month to my parents :)
5) Get a car. This is conditional, I only want my own vehicle if I can afford it. I don't want to drive during winter, because of the snow and ice, I would rather take the bus to be honest. I wonder if there's an insurance plan that only applies to certain months, i.e. March-September.
6) Help my parents clean the garage and consolidate things so that we can actually use that room. Among the things that bother me is my need for space. My bedroom is usually big enough to do whatever I need to do, but sometimes it's not enough. I like to have projects going without disturbing my tidy room. If the garage was half-clear instead of completely in chaos, then I could use that space to my liking (assuming no one else is).
7) Organize my stuff by getting rid of things I have no use for. Organize my desk, computers, games, books, music, pictures, etc.
I don't think it's at all shameful to live with your family into your early twenties, it's smart! Save money for the future! I plan to move out when I'm either finished with my degree, or when I can comfortably support myself while I finish. If I have another 3 years of school to do, then I can expect to live at home until I'm 22. I'm ok with this, I just hope my parents are considering what I was like prior to being sent to live with my grandparents. I think they are willing to give me a second chance, but it's not going to be as simple as just telling them that I'm ready to change, but by showing it! I vow not to become a recluse and to have a life outside of my computer screen, but also to let my family know what I'm doing. I also want to be able to take their constructive criticisms with a grain of salt. I can never really tell when someone is insulting me or complimenting me, it all sounds the same D:
Thursday, March 15, 2012
weird shrinking sensation
When I was much younger, probably around age 11-12, there were a few nights where I had vivid hallucinations in my bedroom. It was very dark, and I was sleeping on a futon at the time, so very near the floor. It was a comfortable bed, and I was eating well, sleeping well, and hadn't taken any drugs. What happened was I felt like the room was enormous. It was as if I had shrunk to the size of a pea while everything around me stayed the same. I could've been lucid dreaming, except I moved things around near my bed and they were moved when I woke up. It was disturbing and I felt like I couldn't move. Since then this has never happened, though I think back on it wondering what the hell may have caused it.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Chocolate
Chocolate is a natural source of tyrosine which becomes dopamine, in addition to caffeine content, it also has small amount of choice cannabinoids (the active ingredients in marijuana). All of these things release endorphins and improve mood. My favorite nighttime ritual now is to eat a big chunk of HEAVY baker's chocolate and pound as many pushups as I can without feeling sore. I would compare it to a hit of weed. It could just be a placebo effect, but the mind work in mysterious ways, if you can trick it into releasing endorphins then it definitely works!
http://www.ivillage.com/endorphins-101-your-guide-natural-euphoria/4-a-108211
http://www.ivillage.com/endorphins-101-your-guide-natural-euphoria/4-a-108211
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