Depression

Life's a bitch, then you die. Having stared down the barrel of a gun thinking about how easy I could've caused my own demise, I realize that everyone's got problems. Fortunately, any physical problems I ever had, i.e. back pain, financial ruin, are easily fixable at my age. I finally broke the cycle of self-hatred and laziness and I intend to keep it that way. After I get back from this stupid trip with my dad I'm gonna put on my dress clothes, print some ten copies of my resume and just start handing them out. When I was in Vegas my boss told me that he hired me because of how resilient I was. I called back every week for a month until they hired me. At first I thought this would hurt my chances of employment, imagine my surprise when it was the opposite!

Without putting too fine a point on it, my family is depressed. I can see it in how they carry themselves, how they talk about the world, and what they say about me. Granted, I do have some form of an ASD, and social awareness and empathy are serious problems for me, but I'm no fool. If my family needs someone to lash out on, to take some of their stress away, then I can swallow my tongue and ignore it, while helping them feel better. When I was depressed and dealing with an inferiority complex, these types of barbs would ruin my day, week, or even month depending on how direct they were. I failed to see that by letting them get to me, I was hurting those around me by not contributing and bringing the overall mood down around myself. I am really looking forward to the future, I can see great things coming from me!

I think a lot of this is as a result of my Dad. My sisters need help, both financially and emotionally, and sadly only one parent is providing that to them. I don't know what his excuse his, but when he became a parent, it was his job to support his kids until they were adults and done with school. So far he has helped me with school, but I can't say the same for my younger siblings. I'll admit to not knowing the full story, there's still a lot I don't know about my own family. I sympathize with both of my parents for not picking the right mate. My dad is passive and thoughtful, and my Mom is motivated and creative. They are both very intelligent, which explains why their offspring are all smart. You can't change the past, so it's pointless to worry about it. I've always thought of my "parents" as two separate entities, and up until they finally severed their marriage, I really thought that was just how families functioned. I don't hate either of my parents, I love them both, but for different reasons. I am also willing to forgive their mistakes and flaws, after all no one's perfect. I want all of my family members to be happy again, like we were years ago, that may never happen, but I can at least work to keep them from feeling blue. I wish I had someone showing me the way, but through trial and failure, I can see my path illuminated like never before.

It's as a result of being utterly alone in this world that I have my amazing new attitude of, "Fuck You! My life is awesome and I intend to make it as good for myself as for the those around me!"

If ever I slip and feel depressed again, I will read this post and remember how I felt when writing this. I want to take psychedelics again when the opportunity is right. LSD and Psilocybin have done more for me than anybody could ever do. It's because I have communication problems, (look up Asperger's Syndrome, if you know me then it should sound like a laundry list of all my foibles.)

I would like to get a tattoo significant to myself and my lack of emotional understanding. I want to be able to look at it any time I feel stifled by my feelings and remember that life is too short to wasted dwelling on negative thoughts.

My kids are going to be amazing. I've learned a lot about childhood development through reading books and internet articles while trying to understand myself. I observed my 4 year old twin cousins for 5 months, and managed to see patterns of development in them that I remember from 15 years ago. Things like knowing the meaning of words, but not what someone said with those words. I know better than anyone that just because words are our primary form of communication, doesn't mean they are effective at communicating one's true thoughts and feelings. When I am a parents I won't take what my children say at face value, but to be direct with instructions and advice. To save the emotional support for physical gestures such as gifts, hugs, and other non-verbal gestures that are easier to interpret.

The future looks bright, and I'm so grateful that I'm here writing this :')