Unhappy

I've been generally unhappy for awhile now. This job is killing me, but I'm slowly getting used to it. I can see many good things about my life right now, but I still don't have any kind of assurance that what I'm doing is the right thing. I think I was happier without any friends, it allowed me to just be completely self-absorbed and not have to worry about anyone else.

I just made friends with this super chill 30 something chick. She and I seem to think alike, which is rare to say the least. I spent the night at her house this past weekend and had the best time I've had in a very long time. The following day I missed my bus back home and had to spend another night downtown. Ended up spending it with another friend who lets pretty much anyone sleep on his couch. I had a place to stay, but damn it was gross.

I don't why I bring any of this up. I don't know why I don't blog more often. I need to lose some of this fucking stress. I feel like my mind is being suppressed and I'm turning into a robot. I need to cry, and to have someone tell me it's all going to be all right. This is not how I want to live my life. I feel like I'm missing out on all the great things in life and my mind and body are going south already. I'm 20 and I already feel dumber and weaker than I did at 18. I feel really scared that I'm going to be working a dead end job for 30 years, living alone, after which time the smoking and drinking eventually catch up to me and kill me.

I need someone with whom I can confide in. I have a few friends who will lend a sympathetic ear, but I need someone I can come home to every night and just forget about all the bullshit in the world with for a few hours.

I think I may just be love-starved and too used to it to realize the full impact. I get jealous over people for completely stupid reasons.

I keep telling myself things will get better, but then they never do.

I keep telling everybody my life is amazing in vain hope that if I say it enough times I will believe it.
The truth is I'm dying inside. I have a large amount of time left before I die, but no one to share it with.

Everything I own is shitty and broken too. Never enough time or funds to fix them.

worried

I need to fucking vent. I just started a full time job with West (call center for AT&T), so far I'm only in training, but the schedule is killing me. At 40 hours/week it's the most I've ever worked in my life. I had to drop out of school this semester to accommodate the hours. What I'm most worried about is having no time for my hobbies. I play guitar and video games, and these activites used to take up a majority of my time. I though when I got off work that I would have plenty of time to pursue these hobbies of mine, but as it turns out, it's not enough time. When I get off work at 2:00, I get home at 3pm and just end up watching tv and eating until about 8pm when I crash again because I need to get up at 4am for work. Right now it's sunday, and my weekend just flew by. I went to the park and played guitar for an hour and it sort of restored by faith in life, but not a whole lot. Basically what I'm hunkering down for is 3-4 years of having no time to obsess over my hobbies; like guitar, retro gaming, computer gaming, and messing with computers. I figure when I have my degree that my hours in my job with decrease, as well as my school hours being nonexistent, so it's the right path to take. I would rather have a promising future and a 3-4 year gap in my life that's just "werk, skool, werk, skool, werk, skool" than have no future at all. Is this the sacrifice that successful people make? Shit, I would rather just be an unemployed hippie my entire life if this what I have to do to make it in this world. I'm gonna die at age 70 anyway, 3-4 years of my 20's is valuable to me, but if it means another 50 years of having plenty of money then I can see the value in sacrificing part of my better years to school and work.

I had a dream that all my guitar strings broke and they whipped me in the eyes, I wonder what it means?