Sunday, May 27, 2012
Tears of Joy
I feel enlightened. After you conquer your fear of death and realize the meaning of life (none), you are free to enjoy life to the fullest. I plan to start researching Zen Buddhism, and expand my knowledge of Nirvana.
Depression
Life's a bitch, then you die. Having stared down the barrel of a gun thinking about how easy I could've caused my own demise, I realize that everyone's got problems. Fortunately, any physical problems I ever had, i.e. back pain, financial ruin, are easily fixable at my age. I finally broke the cycle of self-hatred and laziness and I intend to keep it that way. After I get back from this stupid trip with my dad I'm gonna put on my dress clothes, print some ten copies of my resume and just start handing them out. When I was in Vegas my boss told me that he hired me because of how resilient I was. I called back every week for a month until they hired me. At first I thought this would hurt my chances of employment, imagine my surprise when it was the opposite!
Without putting too fine a point on it, my family is depressed. I can see it in how they carry themselves, how they talk about the world, and what they say about me. Granted, I do have some form of an ASD, and social awareness and empathy are serious problems for me, but I'm no fool. If my family needs someone to lash out on, to take some of their stress away, then I can swallow my tongue and ignore it, while helping them feel better. When I was depressed and dealing with an inferiority complex, these types of barbs would ruin my day, week, or even month depending on how direct they were. I failed to see that by letting them get to me, I was hurting those around me by not contributing and bringing the overall mood down around myself. I am really looking forward to the future, I can see great things coming from me!
I think a lot of this is as a result of my Dad. My sisters need help, both financially and emotionally, and sadly only one parent is providing that to them. I don't know what his excuse his, but when he became a parent, it was his job to support his kids until they were adults and done with school. So far he has helped me with school, but I can't say the same for my younger siblings. I'll admit to not knowing the full story, there's still a lot I don't know about my own family. I sympathize with both of my parents for not picking the right mate. My dad is passive and thoughtful, and my Mom is motivated and creative. They are both very intelligent, which explains why their offspring are all smart. You can't change the past, so it's pointless to worry about it. I've always thought of my "parents" as two separate entities, and up until they finally severed their marriage, I really thought that was just how families functioned. I don't hate either of my parents, I love them both, but for different reasons. I am also willing to forgive their mistakes and flaws, after all no one's perfect. I want all of my family members to be happy again, like we were years ago, that may never happen, but I can at least work to keep them from feeling blue. I wish I had someone showing me the way, but through trial and failure, I can see my path illuminated like never before.
It's as a result of being utterly alone in this world that I have my amazing new attitude of, "Fuck You! My life is awesome and I intend to make it as good for myself as for the those around me!"
If ever I slip and feel depressed again, I will read this post and remember how I felt when writing this. I want to take psychedelics again when the opportunity is right. LSD and Psilocybin have done more for me than anybody could ever do. It's because I have communication problems, (look up Asperger's Syndrome, if you know me then it should sound like a laundry list of all my foibles.)
I would like to get a tattoo significant to myself and my lack of emotional understanding. I want to be able to look at it any time I feel stifled by my feelings and remember that life is too short to wasted dwelling on negative thoughts.
My kids are going to be amazing. I've learned a lot about childhood development through reading books and internet articles while trying to understand myself. I observed my 4 year old twin cousins for 5 months, and managed to see patterns of development in them that I remember from 15 years ago. Things like knowing the meaning of words, but not what someone said with those words. I know better than anyone that just because words are our primary form of communication, doesn't mean they are effective at communicating one's true thoughts and feelings. When I am a parents I won't take what my children say at face value, but to be direct with instructions and advice. To save the emotional support for physical gestures such as gifts, hugs, and other non-verbal gestures that are easier to interpret.
The future looks bright, and I'm so grateful that I'm here writing this :')
Without putting too fine a point on it, my family is depressed. I can see it in how they carry themselves, how they talk about the world, and what they say about me. Granted, I do have some form of an ASD, and social awareness and empathy are serious problems for me, but I'm no fool. If my family needs someone to lash out on, to take some of their stress away, then I can swallow my tongue and ignore it, while helping them feel better. When I was depressed and dealing with an inferiority complex, these types of barbs would ruin my day, week, or even month depending on how direct they were. I failed to see that by letting them get to me, I was hurting those around me by not contributing and bringing the overall mood down around myself. I am really looking forward to the future, I can see great things coming from me!
I think a lot of this is as a result of my Dad. My sisters need help, both financially and emotionally, and sadly only one parent is providing that to them. I don't know what his excuse his, but when he became a parent, it was his job to support his kids until they were adults and done with school. So far he has helped me with school, but I can't say the same for my younger siblings. I'll admit to not knowing the full story, there's still a lot I don't know about my own family. I sympathize with both of my parents for not picking the right mate. My dad is passive and thoughtful, and my Mom is motivated and creative. They are both very intelligent, which explains why their offspring are all smart. You can't change the past, so it's pointless to worry about it. I've always thought of my "parents" as two separate entities, and up until they finally severed their marriage, I really thought that was just how families functioned. I don't hate either of my parents, I love them both, but for different reasons. I am also willing to forgive their mistakes and flaws, after all no one's perfect. I want all of my family members to be happy again, like we were years ago, that may never happen, but I can at least work to keep them from feeling blue. I wish I had someone showing me the way, but through trial and failure, I can see my path illuminated like never before.
It's as a result of being utterly alone in this world that I have my amazing new attitude of, "Fuck You! My life is awesome and I intend to make it as good for myself as for the those around me!"
If ever I slip and feel depressed again, I will read this post and remember how I felt when writing this. I want to take psychedelics again when the opportunity is right. LSD and Psilocybin have done more for me than anybody could ever do. It's because I have communication problems, (look up Asperger's Syndrome, if you know me then it should sound like a laundry list of all my foibles.)
I would like to get a tattoo significant to myself and my lack of emotional understanding. I want to be able to look at it any time I feel stifled by my feelings and remember that life is too short to wasted dwelling on negative thoughts.
My kids are going to be amazing. I've learned a lot about childhood development through reading books and internet articles while trying to understand myself. I observed my 4 year old twin cousins for 5 months, and managed to see patterns of development in them that I remember from 15 years ago. Things like knowing the meaning of words, but not what someone said with those words. I know better than anyone that just because words are our primary form of communication, doesn't mean they are effective at communicating one's true thoughts and feelings. When I am a parents I won't take what my children say at face value, but to be direct with instructions and advice. To save the emotional support for physical gestures such as gifts, hugs, and other non-verbal gestures that are easier to interpret.
The future looks bright, and I'm so grateful that I'm here writing this :')
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Personal Plan
I don't think anyone is reading this blog, which is fine. I'm just using it as a journal, not to gain a following.
Right now, I am sitting in my grandparents' guest bedroom thinking about what I want to do with my life. I can't see the big picture in my mind, so writing what my plans are is a step in the right direction, and a strategic move to keep myself motivated.
I want to get my B.A. in engineering, but before that, I would like to have a Microsoft certificate. My school wasn't very clear on what classes I needed to take, or what sorts of jobs take this certificate, but since I know the credits build toward a 4 year degree, it's definitely what I want to do. I plan to have this certificate by the end of December
I'm looking for a new job in my hometown. My most recent job was in a 1 hr photo lab, and I enjoyed it for the most part. The hours were flexible, the people I worked with were very nice, and I wasn't doing the exact same thing day in and day out. Some days I worked the front register, other days I ran the photo lab, and some times I just stocked shelves. The big issue for me is transportation. Where I live with my family is on the edge of the city, and getting anywhere without a car is a pain in the butt. I ride my bike, walk, and take the bus to get around (sometimes I can bum rides). Geographical convenience is high on my list of job qualities.
I've been living with my grandparents since mid-December, and they have been really supportive and super awesome! They really taught me how to live while being productive, money savvy, and mentally stable. I am returning in 3 days.
I left for reasons I would rather not disclose (I was going off the deep end). I'm really looking forward to being back home with all my computers, friends, and family! I know they won't immediately believe that I'm happier and less mental, but I'm sure they will see it soon enough.
(Organized by priority) Among some of the things I plan to start doing upon my return are:
1) Get a job. Preferably one in a small service position or anything that doesn't make me talk to customers ALL DAY. Something with a bit of variety.
2) I need to figure out the state of my education. Throughout the last two years I have really fucked around. I lost plenty of time and progress with nothing to show for it. I could've been half done with my schooling by now, but I barely qualify as a college sophomore! I'll begin by hanging around the school's counseling department, student services, and the like, until I know beyond shadow of a doubt that I'm doing the right thing.
3) Pay the internet bill. (I'm studying to be a network manager, so this only makes sense that I would manage our home network for 4 other people)
4) Pay rent. I was unemployed for over 6 months, and never contributed a damn thing to my family. We aren't exactly wealthy, and I was too much of a financial drag. In addition to paying $??.?? per month for a decent internet connection, I also want to give between 100-200 dollars a month to my parents :)
5) Get a car. This is conditional, I only want my own vehicle if I can afford it. I don't want to drive during winter, because of the snow and ice, I would rather take the bus to be honest. I wonder if there's an insurance plan that only applies to certain months, i.e. March-September.
6) Help my parents clean the garage and consolidate things so that we can actually use that room. Among the things that bother me is my need for space. My bedroom is usually big enough to do whatever I need to do, but sometimes it's not enough. I like to have projects going without disturbing my tidy room. If the garage was half-clear instead of completely in chaos, then I could use that space to my liking (assuming no one else is).
7) Organize my stuff by getting rid of things I have no use for. Organize my desk, computers, games, books, music, pictures, etc.
I don't think it's at all shameful to live with your family into your early twenties, it's smart! Save money for the future! I plan to move out when I'm either finished with my degree, or when I can comfortably support myself while I finish. If I have another 3 years of school to do, then I can expect to live at home until I'm 22. I'm ok with this, I just hope my parents are considering what I was like prior to being sent to live with my grandparents. I think they are willing to give me a second chance, but it's not going to be as simple as just telling them that I'm ready to change, but by showing it! I vow not to become a recluse and to have a life outside of my computer screen, but also to let my family know what I'm doing. I also want to be able to take their constructive criticisms with a grain of salt. I can never really tell when someone is insulting me or complimenting me, it all sounds the same D:
Right now, I am sitting in my grandparents' guest bedroom thinking about what I want to do with my life. I can't see the big picture in my mind, so writing what my plans are is a step in the right direction, and a strategic move to keep myself motivated.
I want to get my B.A. in engineering, but before that, I would like to have a Microsoft certificate. My school wasn't very clear on what classes I needed to take, or what sorts of jobs take this certificate, but since I know the credits build toward a 4 year degree, it's definitely what I want to do. I plan to have this certificate by the end of December
I'm looking for a new job in my hometown. My most recent job was in a 1 hr photo lab, and I enjoyed it for the most part. The hours were flexible, the people I worked with were very nice, and I wasn't doing the exact same thing day in and day out. Some days I worked the front register, other days I ran the photo lab, and some times I just stocked shelves. The big issue for me is transportation. Where I live with my family is on the edge of the city, and getting anywhere without a car is a pain in the butt. I ride my bike, walk, and take the bus to get around (sometimes I can bum rides). Geographical convenience is high on my list of job qualities.
I've been living with my grandparents since mid-December, and they have been really supportive and super awesome! They really taught me how to live while being productive, money savvy, and mentally stable. I am returning in 3 days.
I left for reasons I would rather not disclose (I was going off the deep end). I'm really looking forward to being back home with all my computers, friends, and family! I know they won't immediately believe that I'm happier and less mental, but I'm sure they will see it soon enough.
(Organized by priority) Among some of the things I plan to start doing upon my return are:
1) Get a job. Preferably one in a small service position or anything that doesn't make me talk to customers ALL DAY. Something with a bit of variety.
2) I need to figure out the state of my education. Throughout the last two years I have really fucked around. I lost plenty of time and progress with nothing to show for it. I could've been half done with my schooling by now, but I barely qualify as a college sophomore! I'll begin by hanging around the school's counseling department, student services, and the like, until I know beyond shadow of a doubt that I'm doing the right thing.
3) Pay the internet bill. (I'm studying to be a network manager, so this only makes sense that I would manage our home network for 4 other people)
4) Pay rent. I was unemployed for over 6 months, and never contributed a damn thing to my family. We aren't exactly wealthy, and I was too much of a financial drag. In addition to paying $??.?? per month for a decent internet connection, I also want to give between 100-200 dollars a month to my parents :)
5) Get a car. This is conditional, I only want my own vehicle if I can afford it. I don't want to drive during winter, because of the snow and ice, I would rather take the bus to be honest. I wonder if there's an insurance plan that only applies to certain months, i.e. March-September.
6) Help my parents clean the garage and consolidate things so that we can actually use that room. Among the things that bother me is my need for space. My bedroom is usually big enough to do whatever I need to do, but sometimes it's not enough. I like to have projects going without disturbing my tidy room. If the garage was half-clear instead of completely in chaos, then I could use that space to my liking (assuming no one else is).
7) Organize my stuff by getting rid of things I have no use for. Organize my desk, computers, games, books, music, pictures, etc.
I don't think it's at all shameful to live with your family into your early twenties, it's smart! Save money for the future! I plan to move out when I'm either finished with my degree, or when I can comfortably support myself while I finish. If I have another 3 years of school to do, then I can expect to live at home until I'm 22. I'm ok with this, I just hope my parents are considering what I was like prior to being sent to live with my grandparents. I think they are willing to give me a second chance, but it's not going to be as simple as just telling them that I'm ready to change, but by showing it! I vow not to become a recluse and to have a life outside of my computer screen, but also to let my family know what I'm doing. I also want to be able to take their constructive criticisms with a grain of salt. I can never really tell when someone is insulting me or complimenting me, it all sounds the same D:
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