Tears of Joy

I feel enlightened. After you conquer your fear of death and realize the meaning of life (none), you are free to enjoy life to the fullest. I plan to start researching Zen Buddhism, and expand my knowledge of Nirvana.

Depression

Life's a bitch, then you die. Having stared down the barrel of a gun thinking about how easy I could've caused my own demise, I realize that everyone's got problems. Fortunately, any physical problems I ever had, i.e. back pain, financial ruin, are easily fixable at my age. I finally broke the cycle of self-hatred and laziness and I intend to keep it that way. After I get back from this stupid trip with my dad I'm gonna put on my dress clothes, print some ten copies of my resume and just start handing them out. When I was in Vegas my boss told me that he hired me because of how resilient I was. I called back every week for a month until they hired me. At first I thought this would hurt my chances of employment, imagine my surprise when it was the opposite!

Without putting too fine a point on it, my family is depressed. I can see it in how they carry themselves, how they talk about the world, and what they say about me. Granted, I do have some form of an ASD, and social awareness and empathy are serious problems for me, but I'm no fool. If my family needs someone to lash out on, to take some of their stress away, then I can swallow my tongue and ignore it, while helping them feel better. When I was depressed and dealing with an inferiority complex, these types of barbs would ruin my day, week, or even month depending on how direct they were. I failed to see that by letting them get to me, I was hurting those around me by not contributing and bringing the overall mood down around myself. I am really looking forward to the future, I can see great things coming from me!

I think a lot of this is as a result of my Dad. My sisters need help, both financially and emotionally, and sadly only one parent is providing that to them. I don't know what his excuse his, but when he became a parent, it was his job to support his kids until they were adults and done with school. So far he has helped me with school, but I can't say the same for my younger siblings. I'll admit to not knowing the full story, there's still a lot I don't know about my own family. I sympathize with both of my parents for not picking the right mate. My dad is passive and thoughtful, and my Mom is motivated and creative. They are both very intelligent, which explains why their offspring are all smart. You can't change the past, so it's pointless to worry about it. I've always thought of my "parents" as two separate entities, and up until they finally severed their marriage, I really thought that was just how families functioned. I don't hate either of my parents, I love them both, but for different reasons. I am also willing to forgive their mistakes and flaws, after all no one's perfect. I want all of my family members to be happy again, like we were years ago, that may never happen, but I can at least work to keep them from feeling blue. I wish I had someone showing me the way, but through trial and failure, I can see my path illuminated like never before.

It's as a result of being utterly alone in this world that I have my amazing new attitude of, "Fuck You! My life is awesome and I intend to make it as good for myself as for the those around me!"

If ever I slip and feel depressed again, I will read this post and remember how I felt when writing this. I want to take psychedelics again when the opportunity is right. LSD and Psilocybin have done more for me than anybody could ever do. It's because I have communication problems, (look up Asperger's Syndrome, if you know me then it should sound like a laundry list of all my foibles.)

I would like to get a tattoo significant to myself and my lack of emotional understanding. I want to be able to look at it any time I feel stifled by my feelings and remember that life is too short to wasted dwelling on negative thoughts.

My kids are going to be amazing. I've learned a lot about childhood development through reading books and internet articles while trying to understand myself. I observed my 4 year old twin cousins for 5 months, and managed to see patterns of development in them that I remember from 15 years ago. Things like knowing the meaning of words, but not what someone said with those words. I know better than anyone that just because words are our primary form of communication, doesn't mean they are effective at communicating one's true thoughts and feelings. When I am a parents I won't take what my children say at face value, but to be direct with instructions and advice. To save the emotional support for physical gestures such as gifts, hugs, and other non-verbal gestures that are easier to interpret.

The future looks bright, and I'm so grateful that I'm here writing this :')

Personal Plan

I don't think anyone is reading this blog, which is fine. I'm just using it as a journal, not to gain a following.

Right now, I am sitting in my grandparents' guest bedroom thinking about what I want to do with my life. I can't see the big picture in my mind, so writing what my plans are is a step in the right direction, and a strategic move to keep myself motivated.

I want to get my B.A. in engineering, but before that, I would like to have a Microsoft certificate. My school wasn't very clear on what classes I needed to take, or what sorts of jobs take this certificate, but since I know the credits build toward a 4 year degree, it's definitely what I want to do. I plan to have this certificate by the end of December

I'm looking for a new job in my hometown. My most recent job was in a 1 hr photo lab, and I enjoyed it for the most part. The hours were flexible, the people I worked with were very nice, and I wasn't doing the exact same thing day in and day out. Some days I worked the front register, other days I ran the photo lab, and some times I just stocked shelves. The big issue for me is transportation. Where I live with my family is on the edge of the city, and getting anywhere without a car is a pain in the butt. I ride my bike, walk, and take the bus to get around (sometimes I can bum rides). Geographical convenience is high on my list of job qualities.

I've been living with my grandparents since mid-December, and they have been really supportive and super awesome! They really taught me how to live while being productive, money savvy, and mentally stable. I am returning in 3 days.

I left for reasons I would rather not disclose (I was going off the deep end). I'm really looking forward to being back home with all my computers, friends, and family! I know they won't  immediately believe that I'm happier and less mental, but I'm sure they will see it soon enough.

(Organized by priority) Among some of the things I plan to start doing upon my return are:

1) Get a job. Preferably one in a small service position or anything that doesn't make me talk to customers ALL DAY. Something with a bit of variety.

2) I need to figure out the state of my education. Throughout the last two years I have really fucked around. I lost plenty of time and progress with nothing to show for it. I could've been half done with my schooling by now, but I barely qualify as a college sophomore! I'll begin by hanging around the school's counseling department, student services, and the like, until I know beyond shadow of a doubt that I'm doing the right thing.

3) Pay the internet bill. (I'm studying to be a network manager, so this only makes sense that I would manage our home network for 4 other people)

4) Pay rent. I was unemployed for over 6 months, and never contributed a damn thing to my family. We aren't exactly wealthy, and I was too much of a financial drag. In addition to paying $??.?? per month for a decent internet connection, I also want to give between 100-200 dollars a month to my parents :)

5) Get a car. This is conditional, I only want my own vehicle if I can afford it. I don't want to drive during winter, because of the snow and ice, I would rather take the bus to be honest. I wonder if there's an insurance plan that only applies to certain months, i.e. March-September.

6) Help my parents clean the garage and consolidate things so that we can actually use that room. Among the things that bother me is my need for space. My bedroom is usually big enough to do whatever I need to do, but sometimes it's not enough. I like to have projects going without disturbing my tidy room. If the garage was half-clear instead of completely in chaos, then I could use that space to my liking (assuming no one else is).

7) Organize my stuff by getting rid of things I have no use for. Organize my desk, computers, games, books, music, pictures, etc.

I don't think it's at all shameful to live with your family into your early twenties, it's smart! Save money for the future! I plan to move out when I'm either finished with my degree, or when I can comfortably support myself while I finish. If I have another 3 years of school to do, then I can expect to live at home until I'm 22. I'm ok with this, I just hope my parents are considering what I was like prior to being sent to live with my grandparents. I think they are willing to give me a second chance, but it's not going to be as simple as just telling them that I'm ready to change, but by showing it! I vow not to become a recluse and to have a life outside of my computer screen, but also to let my family know what I'm doing. I also want to be able to take their constructive criticisms with a grain of salt. I can never really tell when someone is insulting me or complimenting me, it all sounds the same D:

weird shrinking sensation

When I was much younger, probably around age 11-12, there were a few nights where I had vivid hallucinations in my bedroom. It was very dark, and I was sleeping on a futon at the time, so very near the floor. It was a comfortable bed, and I was eating well, sleeping well, and hadn't taken any drugs. What happened was I felt like the room was enormous. It was as if I had shrunk to the size of a pea while everything around me stayed the same. I could've been lucid dreaming, except I moved things around near my bed and they were moved when I woke up. It was disturbing and I felt like I couldn't move. Since then this has never happened, though I think back on it wondering what the hell may have caused it.

Chocolate

Chocolate is a natural source of tyrosine which becomes dopamine, in addition to caffeine content, it also has small amount of choice cannabinoids (the active ingredients in marijuana). All of these things release endorphins and improve mood. My favorite nighttime ritual now is to eat a big chunk of HEAVY baker's chocolate and pound as many pushups as I can without feeling sore. I would compare it to a hit of weed. It could just be a placebo effect, but the mind work in mysterious ways, if you can trick it into releasing endorphins then it definitely works!

http://www.ivillage.com/endorphins-101-your-guide-natural-euphoria/4-a-108211

First Post

    I plan to use this forum to alleviate from myself, thought-worms. Basically just trains of thought that repeatedly hog my attention and reach the same conclusion. I don't really care who reads this, it's more for my own benefit than anything else. But don't leave right away, it may be interesting to hear what I have to say. 

    Recently I've been thinking a great deal about my generation, those people born roughly between 1990 and 2000 (aka the net generation) and how this correlates to cases of ADD/ADHD and the resulting prescriptions. 

    At it's core, having symptoms of these disorders is not a cause for alarm, but rather entirely natural considering the environment we were born into. Individuals may have difficulty concentrating or remaining still, but that's as a result of being raised in an age when stimulation is everywhere. Patience is an outmoded term at best when someone of my generation can pull out their closest internet access and know anything at a moments notice. A shift towards repetetive electronic music (soothing stimuli), instant gratification in every form, and video games has resulted in many younger people becoming accustomed to constant stimulation. When a brain is young, it adapts to it's surroundings and changes permanently to increase it's chance of survival. In the information age, that means being able to keep up with changing modes of communication and rapidly cycling trends. The positive traits associated with such conditions make perfect sense considering the human brain's natural propensity for adaptation. Though the negative side effects can be difficult to manage in a society that hasn't quite caught up, there are ways to balance an individuals need for stimulation without drugs.    

    I am diagnosed with ADHD, but I don't believe in it. I took the drugs for a short while because they helped me to focus and study on things that required patience, but it led me to the conclusion that I neither want, nor need them. I can make up for my adapted brains need for dopamine in many healthy ways that many parents of kids with the disorder fail to realize. It shouldn't even need to be said, but medication is warranted only in extreme cases, but doctors and pharmacies hand them out like candy! The pills I got were fluorescent orange and tasted like fucking sweet tarts! I take issue with doctors and pharmaceutical companies shoving labels and pills down innocent kids throats that do more harm than good in the long run. After 20 years of being hooked on amphetamines, signs of manic depression set in, and another type of pill is prescribed, anti-psychotics. So in addition to being dependent on harmful stimulants for the slightest modicum of pleasure, so too are they reliant on harmful meds to keep them from going totally schitzo and killing people! All this forced on people at a young age who are not abnormal, but are absolutely totally normal! Being able to adapt to a changing world are not signs of abnormality.  

    (totally tangential) Another sign of adaptation in todays society are those with accelerated metabolisms. Being able to eat a regular high-fat, high-carb diet and remain skinny is not normal in the sense of gene preservation, if you exhibited this type of behavior in the wild, you would die in weeks. It serves a purpose in a modern world though, being skinny is hot -> hot people find mates -> ergo, skinny people reproduce.

    As I burrow down to the bedrock of my thought process I would like to illustrate the different lines of defense one can take in order to stave off negative symptoms an adaptive mind would take on in a changing age. These are just my own findings.

1) Exercise

    Reasoning: While it's true that learning things and stimulating one's mind will help produce neurotransmitter chemicals that improve focus and attention (happy chemicals), it's nothing to what a short run can produce. Even just a ten minute jog can have the same dopamine release as 1/4-1/2 of a dose of adderall. (my own experience) Many kids do not get enough exercise, and doctors skip right to drugs before recommending this most fundamental asset to anyone's physical and MENTAL health.

    http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/3142.html

2) Diet

    Reasoning: Missing nutrients can have a myriad of affects on someone's mental and physical health. It doesn't help that kids are subjected to boisterous ads for pizza and cheeseburgers since very early childhood, but healthier foods often do not provide the same pleasure response, and are thus avoided on general principle. 

    http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-diets

3) Sleep

    Reasoning: Sleep is not stimulating, it is very common for a cycle of racing thoughts caused by lack of sleep to cause lack of sleep exponentially. It is important to treat this as soon as possible as the benefits of a regular nights sleep can help immensely with focusing problems.   

   http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/757.html

4) Partial drug stimulation

    Reasoning: After all these alternatives have been exhausted, or if a case of ADHD is severe, I personally think a short dose of adderall or ritalin can help. In individuals old enough to make an informed decision about what they want to put in their body (16+), then I think a drug kickstart can really help. I certainly helped me with my depression :)

5) Semi-Regular drug stimulation:

    Reasoning: Alright, by now 95% of all ADHD cases have been solved in those willing to step up and fight their condition the natural way, but in those who've exhausted all other options then I think regular medication is justified. There should be a period of drug "holidays" in their schedule however to stave off tolerance and addiction. I would think something like "weekends off" or a week off every two months would suffice.

6/Wild Card) There are lots of healthy supplemental herbs and chemicals that can help with concentration that aren't harmful to the body and are by far just as effective. These are all totally legal and available over the counter w/out a prescription.

5-HTP or 5-Hydroxytryptophan, the chemical precursor to serotonin (the neurotransmitter that provides feelings of well-being and happiness)

L-tyrosine, the chemical precursor to dopamine. Drugs like Ritalin and Adderall do not produce dopamine, but they cause the brains natural stores of it to release and become depleted if not given a chance to refill. L-tyrosine helps fuel the brain with extra dopamine when something else like strenuous exercise or achievement warrants a release of it.

St. John's Wort. A curious little herb I've become quite fond of in the past. It acts as an antidepressant, and is well known for it's ability to cure mild depression. But it actually helps with concentration too! Use of this herb is counter-indicated while taking stimulants due to it's classification as a MOA inhibitor (mild though it is). 

Magnesium/Calcium/Zinc. Magnesium helps keep nerves healthy, Calcium helps inhibit neurotransmitters where necessary. Zinc is good for the immune system. I'm not entirely sure on how it works, but I think magnesium is absorbed better in the presence of calcium? In either case, I take this supplement a couple of times a week, and it seems to really help :)

Melatonin. A naturally produced chemical in the brain, helps initiate sleep. My favorite sleeping potion is a cup of chamomile tea, two capsules of Valerian root, and a chewable melatonin pill :)

Caffeine. Strangely, caffeine has the same sort of effect on me as Adderall, in that it calms my raging tornado of thoughts and allows me to concentrate, and actually sort of makes me sleepy...

Binaural Beats. Research them, I enjoy listening to the higher alpha wave ones, they are kind of trippy and help with concentration :D http://www.i-doser.com/

There are others, but these are the ones I take.

All in all, I hope this is coherent illustrates the point I am trying to make, holy shit it's long! -_-

I need more coffee. I am in the midst of a sleeping cycle where I crash around 5AM and wakeup at 5PM, this happens seldomly, but when it does the only way to change it is to forcibly keep myself up until the following night in order to fall into a more "normal" schedule. If I could live my live by night, I would, but most people are awake during the daylight hours, so I must comply :P

   

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